Fountain of Youth.

The eldest 2 of my 3 nieces are coming over for the weekend. Kayla and Dezzy have two of the coolest little goofy and quirky personalities of anyone I know. I love them to bits. So this weekend is my fountain of youth. I am reverting to 13 years old for the next 2 days. It's gonna be a blast. Crazy make-up, movies, munchies and girl talk.

I never had much of a social life as an adolescent, so I think I may be trying a do-over in some ways. Reliving my teens through my nieces who are cooler now than I ever was. ;)
It's very neat because I can be as weird and crazy as I want and they still love me and I don't have to be worried about them telling all the other cool kids at school or whatever that i'm a dork cuz come Monday i'm a grown-up again and none of that shit matters. Ha ha ha.

Much frun will be had by all, hope your weekend is good too.

Love on ya.

Honesty.

I was talking to a friend online today and she was trying to help me with my blog. She gave me some wonderful ideas (which I forgot to copy, sorry Diva). But afterward I came to a sort of realization about my life. I want to be honest with anyone who is reading this, and it's hard for me mostly because there's a certain amount of shame I seem to attach to telling people what my life right now is really like. But I want to be real. So here I am.

I have clinical depression (all you Tom Cruises out there who say it's not real can bite my chemically imbalanced ass) and I am currently on disability. I also live with social anxiety disorder. I am on medication for the depression, but it hasn't been very long so i'm still waiting to see if it's the right one, that's the part I hate "Am I getting better? How long do I wait for this shit to work? What does happy feel like?" i'm not sure I remember. Oh sure I still feel happy sometimes, I still smile and laugh, but it seems like such a minute part of what I feel on a day to day basis.

I don't work, I don't go out, I rarely talk on the phone, I don't even do things within my home, where i'm most comfortable, to expand my horizons. Then I sit infront of this blog post page and stare at the cursor wondering why I have nothing to write about. Then it hit me. You have to have a life in order to write about it. Seems obvious to you doesn't it? I guess i'm a little slow on the uptake sometimes.

I'm not sure if it's the depression or if i've just lost myself completely. Everything inside me, my personality, sense of humor, spirit, wit, expressivity(i checked, it is a real word), all of me seems to be clouded over or underwater, someplace just out of reach. It's so terribly frustrating know i'm in there somewhere, but all I can muster to show the outside world is just a blank shell. I don't even feel like me, i'm blank. I remember me, what I used to be, but it's gone I think. How do I figure out what the now me is like?

Insecurity. Everyone has them. About their looks or their finanaces etc etc etc. But I think i'm insecure about me. All of me. Inside and out. I feel I can't talk about being insecure without sounding like i'm whining but i'm really just trying to discover what's happened to me.

I feel selfish talking about myself. It's very strange, I think it comes from not liking being the center of attention. I'm not sure where the selfish and ashamed part comes from though. I want to get over that.

All of this talk about my life has compelled me to make a decision. I have something very valuable in my everyday life, something not very many people have alot of. Time. I'm very fortunate to have so much, and suddenly I feel responsible to do something worthwhile with it. I have wasted so much time. I have wasted so much of myself.

When i've been in the depths of depression my boyfriend Rick has been there right by my side and he said to me "Do something. Do anything. The smallest thing. You'll feel better, trust me."

I believe it's about time I did.

Wouldn't it be nice.

Late at night and i've got THIS stuck in my head. It's one of my favorite commercials ever, i dunno why, but it makes me giggle like mad. Thought i'd share the joy. "And if a shark came up and tried to bite you...you could say i'm chocolate, iiiiii invite you!"

I finally did it! I arranged my bedroom. I've been living here for 3 months and my room has stayed the same (but gradually messier and messier) since the night we moved in and everything was just stuffed in there somewhere. My dresser in the middle of the room, the drawers laying haplessly all over the place, my bed stuck awkwardly in the corner, a bunch of crap meant for the storage room in another corner, and on and on. But FINALLY i did it. Pulled everything out, deodorized and vaccuumed the carpet and dusted and arranged everything in an attractive fashion. I even pulled my keyboard and guitar out of the closet and set them up too. I'm so proud of myself. I've always had a hard time with procrastination in regards to settling into a new place. I don't know why. Just a mental block or something. Weird. Now i want to create art for my walls, that's the fun part. I'll post pics when i get some stuff done.

I also want to get a chair, a swivel rocker recliner dealy, something uber-comfy (my dream would be a chaise lounge but that means $$$) and set up a reading area in my room. I've got the space, it's really quite a large room. Someplace to curl up with a cozy blanket and a book and wile away the cold winter days inside some author's head....and can you imagine the naps that could happen? Mmm mm mm.

I'm in the mood to go read some Poe. Nice before bed reading don'cha think? :)

Welcome to my mind.

First things first. My name "Original Fire" came well before Audioslave's new album of the same name. My name came from a poem I wrote almost a year ago. I feel the need to clear this up because I keep having people thinking i'm a super-duper Audioslave fan or something. Sure not. Not that I hate Audioslave, I like the music, but i'm not to the degree of adopting them as my moniker.

A little about me, well my house = a zoo. We have 1 dalmation/border collie named Bella, 1 pomeranian named Mini, 1 kitten named Grayson, 1 mouse named Zoe and one goldfish named Mark Twain. And I want to get a rat. Call me crazy, but I love animals. I have a boyfriend of almost 4 years named Rick who is wonderful and I love very much. My nieces are a very important part of my life as well. I have 4. Desiree (Dezzy) 14, Kayla 13 and Katelynn 12. I also have a 6 year old nephew named Austin. I live in a house trailer with my Mom (not as bad as it sounds, we're more room-mates than the "You live with your MOM?!?!?!" appalled reaction most people have). I joke that all I need is a tube top, lots of hairspray, a cigarette and a bathtub on the front lawn to complete the trailer trash motif. ;)

What I hope to accomplish by writing here is really just and outlet for expression. I feel as though i've lost myself in some ways and I want to rekindle my creativity. I will be writing about my life and what I see and feel. Also, I hope to post some of my own creative writing, poetry, short stories and the like.

I've been struggling with writing this first post for weeks now and have been told that the first is the hardest and just to get it over with then the next one will be easier. So until then...

Love on ya.


P.S. Please tell me if this color blue font is hard to read. Thanks.