Original Fire

Vroom vroom

2007-08-05T15:09:00.000-06:00

A car, a car, my kingdom for a car...

I love driving. I love driving fast. I do excercise a large amount of self-control, I hate being pulled over by the fuzz. I hate paying through the nose for having a little fun too. But for the last 8 months I have been stationary and feeling extremely frustrated and cooped up and dependent on others and I hate it. But I have been released from my vehicularily challenged existence and am mobile again! I'm not sure I can describe the feeling I had last week when I picked up my now running car and drove it home. Giddy, grinning like a fool I put my little car through its paces on the way home. Bliss.

This car is by far the nicest car i've owned, and i've had several. My first car was a nasty old Buick that consisted of more rust and primer than actual metal that my parents gave to me a year after I got my licence, which I finally got at the age of 21. It's days ended when a jerk from Ottowa on icy roads decided to signal left then suddenly turn right. I was so proud of my beater, it took out a Chevy Tahoe with very little damage to my car...the Tahoe littered the ground with pieces of bumper. This was the start of my 4 month curse of cars. 4 car accidents in 4 months, all totalled off. Brilliant. Only 3 of the cars were mine...one was my boyfiend's. It was also the start of the curse of 1987. After my 1985 Buick bit the dust all the cars I owned and wrecked were 1987 models. Until my Baby that I drive now. 1987 Mazda 323, 1987 Mercuery Tracer(Rick's car), 1987 Ford Taurus...that's list of ones I wrecked. Then I had a , you guessed it, 1987 Chevy Sprint and a 1987 Nissan 200SX. I broke the curse last year when I bought my 1994 Ford Escort GT. My baby, in all her teal glory. Sigh. She still has a few bugs but is so fun to drive it's worth the work it needs. Like I said, I love to drive. Thus my career as a courier. But even so I still like to just drive around aimlessly (gas prices unfortunaltely do not facilitate that very often) enjoying the freedom that is locomotion.

I feel better than I have in months. Just knowing that if I wanted to go somewhere I can. Freedom. Independence. Ahhhh.

Starbucks is calling, and me and my Ford are ready to answer.

Horoscopy

2007-04-21T18:34:00.000-06:00

Okay, so my last post says April 9 but I had saved it as a draft and finished it today. Funny thing...in it I wrote about not knowing how to put things in motion to help myself feel better, right. Soooo, I used the msn.com page and checked my horoscope for the very first time from this computer on that site...this is what it said

"April 21, 2007
Intellectually, you know the answers to everything, Brandy, but when it comes to actually putting things into motion, you may be hesitant to take that first step. It may seem as if you are on a high platform staring down into a pool of water below. Rationally, you know that the pool is deep enough and that you will be fine once you jump, but before you do, the anticipation is excruciating."

Weird, huh? But wait....there's more...

So I also put in the relevant information for my rising sign (cancer) and this is what it said

"April 21, 2007
It is time to make a new start in which you shed old masks and roles that are no longer serving their purpose. It could be that these devices were used as defense mechanisms from early on. It is now time to rid yourself of these habits and reveal the true person who lies underneath that mask. Today's Moon is urging you to project a clearer image of who you really are."

Considering how much of an identity crisis i've been having lately this hits so close to home. I've never had an experience like this with horoscopes before. I think I need to learn more about astrology.

Wow.

Just write.

2007-04-09T16:21:00.000-06:00

A prolific blogger friend of mine once gave me some advice when I told her I was having trouble posting. "Just write." she said.

Right.

Write.

Riiiiight.

Depression is a truly vicious circle. Dizzying, terrifying, frustrating. One of those revolving doors you see in hotels in the movies...but without the openings on either side. Just thick glass spinning walls colored with fear, anxiety, loneliness, desperation, loathing, and a general feeling of un...unhappy, unwell, uncomfortable.... un.

Who controls the weather? Overcast is my sky. Looming gray heaviness, unmoving, inert (as I am). But no rain, cuz rain makes me happy. Not even any of that spitty crap rain that isn't quite enough to let your wipers clean your windshield, ya know? So i'm stuck looking through smudges not quite being able to steer in the right direction, so I stop. And I stay stuck at the side of the road watching everyone else live their lives moving forward. Fuck, I can't even catch a bloody bus without falling to pieces.

r
b d
a y
n

Little Brandy colored bits all over the place.

I find it strange how I can feel like shattered little pieces yet at the same time feel whole but empty, kinda hollow, like my personality, wit, confidence, everything that made me me dried up or something.

I have all these stupid analogies and shit about how I feel, but I can't seem to figure out quite how to change it all. I need to put forth more effort, I know that much. It's not that i'm expecting some outside force to make me better, I know that it's in my power. I need to believe that that power is already within me. I do feel it. Accessing it is the hardest part, I think. That and I have all these plans in my head about how to go about helping myself feel well, but I never seem to put any of them in motion. Perhaps putting them out there, solid concrete pixels on a blog page will be the impetus I need.

1. meditation
2. excercise
3. create something, anything...poetry, painting, drawing, music...I believe it can all be healing.

I also want to blog about something other than depression, and I think that will be possible when I make the above listed things happen so I can experience more than my daily battle inside my head. Hard to blog when you don't live. I want to live.

Ch-ch-ch-changes.

2007-03-06T23:23:00.000-06:00

Old me.

New me!!!

Same day. Different Brandy. Wow, huh? Quickest way to lose a few pounds. Really, it was heavy. I kept the ponytail the stylist cut it off for me. Now I have 2, one from a past drastic cut as well. I feel much better now. If only I could get myself to be social so I could show it off....

The Climb

2007-01-28T15:34:00.000-06:00

The Diva emailed me asking if I had fallen off the face of the planet. I believe I did. Holy shit, that was a hard climb. Each day I strive to move further and further away from the edge. There's a gravity there. Pulling me over and down. But I fight. I do believe i'm winning.

So cheers, here's to the new year and a new healthy life. Rockin' 2007.

Love on ya,

Brandy

Blue Saturday

2006-12-30T18:26:00.000-06:00

I'm Blue.

My first meme.

2006-12-19T13:06:00.000-06:00

Do you feel special Laura??? You should. You're my first. My first meme tag experience that is. WOW. How behind the rest of the world am i?

Meme rules:
1. Grab the book closest to you.
2. Open it to page 123, go down to the fifth sentence.
3. Post the next three sentences on your website.
4. Name the book and its author.
5. Tag three people to do the same.

Here it is:

"These devils, who were once beautiful angels, have become as hideous and ugly as they once were beautiful. They mock and jeer at the lost souls whom they dragged down to ruin. It is they, the foul demons, who are made in hell the voices of conscience."

That was from "A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man" by James Joyce

Cheerful little exerpt don'tcha think? I haven't gotten that far yet, but oh what i have to look forward too...

Sooo..... Rick, Josh and Richy.... Tag...you're it.

Fountain of Youth.

2006-10-27T16:22:00.000-06:00

The eldest 2 of my 3 nieces are coming over for the weekend. Kayla and Dezzy have two of the coolest little goofy and quirky personalities of anyone I know. I love them to bits. So this weekend is my fountain of youth. I am reverting to 13 years old for the next 2 days. It's gonna be a blast. Crazy make-up, movies, munchies and girl talk.

I never had much of a social life as an adolescent, so I think I may be trying a do-over in some ways. Reliving my teens through my nieces who are cooler now than I ever was. ;)
It's very neat because I can be as weird and crazy as I want and they still love me and I don't have to be worried about them telling all the other cool kids at school or whatever that i'm a dork cuz come Monday i'm a grown-up again and none of that shit matters. Ha ha ha.

Much frun will be had by all, hope your weekend is good too.

Love on ya.

Honesty.

2006-10-24T13:26:00.000-06:00

I was talking to a friend online today and she was trying to help me with my blog. She gave me some wonderful ideas (which I forgot to copy, sorry Diva). But afterward I came to a sort of realization about my life. I want to be honest with anyone who is reading this, and it's hard for me mostly because there's a certain amount of shame I seem to attach to telling people what my life right now is really like. But I want to be real. So here I am.

I have clinical depression (all you Tom Cruises out there who say it's not real can bite my chemically imbalanced ass) and I am currently on disability. I also live with social anxiety disorder. I am on medication for the depression, but it hasn't been very long so i'm still waiting to see if it's the right one, that's the part I hate "Am I getting better? How long do I wait for this shit to work? What does happy feel like?" i'm not sure I remember. Oh sure I still feel happy sometimes, I still smile and laugh, but it seems like such a minute part of what I feel on a day to day basis.

I don't work, I don't go out, I rarely talk on the phone, I don't even do things within my home, where i'm most comfortable, to expand my horizons. Then I sit infront of this blog post page and stare at the cursor wondering why I have nothing to write about. Then it hit me. You have to have a life in order to write about it. Seems obvious to you doesn't it? I guess i'm a little slow on the uptake sometimes.

I'm not sure if it's the depression or if i've just lost myself completely. Everything inside me, my personality, sense of humor, spirit, wit, expressivity(i checked, it is a real word), all of me seems to be clouded over or underwater, someplace just out of reach. It's so terribly frustrating know i'm in there somewhere, but all I can muster to show the outside world is just a blank shell. I don't even feel like me, i'm blank. I remember me, what I used to be, but it's gone I think. How do I figure out what the now me is like?

Insecurity. Everyone has them. About their looks or their finanaces etc etc etc. But I think i'm insecure about me. All of me. Inside and out. I feel I can't talk about being insecure without sounding like i'm whining but i'm really just trying to discover what's happened to me.

I feel selfish talking about myself. It's very strange, I think it comes from not liking being the center of attention. I'm not sure where the selfish and ashamed part comes from though. I want to get over that.

All of this talk about my life has compelled me to make a decision. I have something very valuable in my everyday life, something not very many people have alot of. Time. I'm very fortunate to have so much, and suddenly I feel responsible to do something worthwhile with it. I have wasted so much time. I have wasted so much of myself.

When i've been in the depths of depression my boyfriend Rick has been there right by my side and he said to me "Do something. Do anything. The smallest thing. You'll feel better, trust me."

I believe it's about time I did.

Wouldn't it be nice.

2006-10-23T23:30:00.000-06:00

Late at night and i've got THIS stuck in my head. It's one of my favorite commercials ever, i dunno why, but it makes me giggle like mad. Thought i'd share the joy. "And if a shark came up and tried to bite you...you could say i'm chocolate, iiiiii invite you!"

I finally did it! I arranged my bedroom. I've been living here for 3 months and my room has stayed the same (but gradually messier and messier) since the night we moved in and everything was just stuffed in there somewhere. My dresser in the middle of the room, the drawers laying haplessly all over the place, my bed stuck awkwardly in the corner, a bunch of crap meant for the storage room in another corner, and on and on. But FINALLY i did it. Pulled everything out, deodorized and vaccuumed the carpet and dusted and arranged everything in an attractive fashion. I even pulled my keyboard and guitar out of the closet and set them up too. I'm so proud of myself. I've always had a hard time with procrastination in regards to settling into a new place. I don't know why. Just a mental block or something. Weird. Now i want to create art for my walls, that's the fun part. I'll post pics when i get some stuff done.

I also want to get a chair, a swivel rocker recliner dealy, something uber-comfy (my dream would be a chaise lounge but that means $$$) and set up a reading area in my room. I've got the space, it's really quite a large room. Someplace to curl up with a cozy blanket and a book and wile away the cold winter days inside some author's head....and can you imagine the naps that could happen? Mmm mm mm.

I'm in the mood to go read some Poe. Nice before bed reading don'cha think? :)

Welcome to my mind.

2006-10-22T22:02:00.000-06:00

First things first. My name "Original Fire" came well before Audioslave's new album of the same name. My name came from a poem I wrote almost a year ago. I feel the need to clear this up because I keep having people thinking i'm a super-duper Audioslave fan or something. Sure not. Not that I hate Audioslave, I like the music, but i'm not to the degree of adopting them as my moniker.

A little about me, well my house = a zoo. We have 1 dalmation/border collie named Bella, 1 pomeranian named Mini, 1 kitten named Grayson, 1 mouse named Zoe and one goldfish named Mark Twain. And I want to get a rat. Call me crazy, but I love animals. I have a boyfriend of almost 4 years named Rick who is wonderful and I love very much. My nieces are a very important part of my life as well. I have 4. Desiree (Dezzy) 14, Kayla 13 and Katelynn 12. I also have a 6 year old nephew named Austin. I live in a house trailer with my Mom (not as bad as it sounds, we're more room-mates than the "You live with your MOM?!?!?!" appalled reaction most people have). I joke that all I need is a tube top, lots of hairspray, a cigarette and a bathtub on the front lawn to complete the trailer trash motif. ;)

What I hope to accomplish by writing here is really just and outlet for expression. I feel as though i've lost myself in some ways and I want to rekindle my creativity. I will be writing about my life and what I see and feel. Also, I hope to post some of my own creative writing, poetry, short stories and the like.

I've been struggling with writing this first post for weeks now and have been told that the first is the hardest and just to get it over with then the next one will be easier. So until then...

Love on ya.

P.S. Please tell me if this color blue font is hard to read. Thanks.