Horoscopy

Okay, so my last post says April 9 but I had saved it as a draft and finished it today. Funny thing...in it I wrote about not knowing how to put things in motion to help myself feel better, right. Soooo, I used the msn.com page and checked my horoscope for the very first time from this computer on that site...this is what it said

"April 21, 2007
Intellectually, you know the answers to everything, Brandy, but when it comes to actually putting things into motion, you may be hesitant to take that first step. It may seem as if you are on a high platform staring down into a pool of water below. Rationally, you know that the pool is deep enough and that you will be fine once you jump, but before you do, the anticipation is excruciating."

Weird, huh? But wait....there's more...

So I also put in the relevant information for my rising sign (cancer) and this is what it said


"April 21, 2007
It is time to make a new start in which you shed old masks and roles that are no longer serving their purpose. It could be that these devices were used as defense mechanisms from early on. It is now time to rid yourself of these habits and reveal the true person who lies underneath that mask. Today's Moon is urging you to project a clearer image of who you really are."

Considering how much of an identity crisis i've been having lately this hits so close to home. I've never had an experience like this with horoscopes before. I think I need to learn more about astrology.

Wow.

Just write.

A prolific blogger friend of mine once gave me some advice when I told her I was having trouble posting. "Just write." she said.

Right.

Write.

Riiiiight.

Depression is a truly vicious circle. Dizzying, terrifying, frustrating. One of those revolving doors you see in hotels in the movies...but without the openings on either side. Just thick glass spinning walls colored with fear, anxiety, loneliness, desperation, loathing, and a general feeling of un...unhappy, unwell, uncomfortable.... un.


Who controls the weather? Overcast is my sky. Looming gray heaviness, unmoving, inert (as I am). But no rain, cuz rain makes me happy. Not even any of that spitty crap rain that isn't quite enough to let your wipers clean your windshield, ya know? So i'm stuck looking through smudges not quite being able to steer in the right direction, so I stop. And I stay stuck at the side of the road watching everyone else live their lives moving forward. Fuck, I can't even catch a bloody bus without falling to pieces.

r
b d
a y
n

Little Brandy colored bits all over the place.

I find it strange how I can feel like shattered little pieces yet at the same time feel whole but empty, kinda hollow, like my personality, wit, confidence, everything that made me me dried up or something.

I have all these stupid analogies and shit about how I feel, but I can't seem to figure out quite how to change it all. I need to put forth more effort, I know that much. It's not that i'm expecting some outside force to make me better, I know that it's in my power. I need to believe that that power is already within me. I do feel it. Accessing it is the hardest part, I think. That and I have all these plans in my head about how to go about helping myself feel well, but I never seem to put any of them in motion. Perhaps putting them out there, solid concrete pixels on a blog page will be the impetus I need.

1. meditation
2. excercise
3. create something, anything...poetry, painting, drawing, music...I believe it can all be healing.

I also want to blog about something other than depression, and I think that will be possible when I make the above listed things happen so I can experience more than my daily battle inside my head. Hard to blog when you don't live. I want to live.