Monday, April 09, 2007

Just write.

A prolific blogger friend of mine once gave me some advice when I told her I was having trouble posting. "Just write." she said.

Right.

Write.

Riiiiight.

Depression is a truly vicious circle. Dizzying, terrifying, frustrating. One of those revolving doors you see in hotels in the movies...but without the openings on either side. Just thick glass spinning walls colored with fear, anxiety, loneliness, desperation, loathing, and a general feeling of un...unhappy, unwell, uncomfortable.... un.


Who controls the weather? Overcast is my sky. Looming gray heaviness, unmoving, inert (as I am). But no rain, cuz rain makes me happy. Not even any of that spitty crap rain that isn't quite enough to let your wipers clean your windshield, ya know? So i'm stuck looking through smudges not quite being able to steer in the right direction, so I stop. And I stay stuck at the side of the road watching everyone else live their lives moving forward. Fuck, I can't even catch a bloody bus without falling to pieces.

r
b d
a y
n

Little Brandy colored bits all over the place.

I find it strange how I can feel like shattered little pieces yet at the same time feel whole but empty, kinda hollow, like my personality, wit, confidence, everything that made me me dried up or something.

I have all these stupid analogies and shit about how I feel, but I can't seem to figure out quite how to change it all. I need to put forth more effort, I know that much. It's not that i'm expecting some outside force to make me better, I know that it's in my power. I need to believe that that power is already within me. I do feel it. Accessing it is the hardest part, I think. That and I have all these plans in my head about how to go about helping myself feel well, but I never seem to put any of them in motion. Perhaps putting them out there, solid concrete pixels on a blog page will be the impetus I need.

1. meditation
2. excercise
3. create something, anything...poetry, painting, drawing, music...I believe it can all be healing.

I also want to blog about something other than depression, and I think that will be possible when I make the above listed things happen so I can experience more than my daily battle inside my head. Hard to blog when you don't live. I want to live.

10 Comments:

Blogger i am the diva said...

Seriously, when you actually do it, your writing is fantastic.

i'm glad you're writing, i find it very therapeutic. I hope you do to.

where are you, what are you doing, when can we go for coffee??

12:03 PM  
Blogger Original Fire said...

Seriously, THANK YOU! We can go for coffee pretty much anytime you want, I live within walking distance of a great place on Central Ave. called AJ's, we could meet there sometime. Have your people call my people and i'll pencil you in between walking my dog and doing dishes ;)

1:53 PM  
Blogger i am the diva said...

email me your phone number.

9:55 AM  
Blogger i am the diva said...

C'mon!!!! email me.... :D

11:37 AM  
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It was and with me. We can communicate on this theme. Here or in PM.

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