Vroom vroom

A car, a car, my kingdom for a car...

I love driving. I love driving fast. I do excercise a large amount of self-control, I hate being pulled over by the fuzz. I hate paying through the nose for having a little fun too. But for the last 8 months I have been stationary and feeling extremely frustrated and cooped up and dependent on others and I hate it. But I have been released from my vehicularily challenged existence and am mobile again! I'm not sure I can describe the feeling I had last week when I picked up my now running car and drove it home. Giddy, grinning like a fool I put my little car through its paces on the way home. Bliss.

This car is by far the nicest car i've owned, and i've had several. My first car was a nasty old Buick that consisted of more rust and primer than actual metal that my parents gave to me a year after I got my licence, which I finally got at the age of 21. It's days ended when a jerk from Ottowa on icy roads decided to signal left then suddenly turn right. I was so proud of my beater, it took out a Chevy Tahoe with very little damage to my car...the Tahoe littered the ground with pieces of bumper. This was the start of my 4 month curse of cars. 4 car accidents in 4 months, all totalled off. Brilliant. Only 3 of the cars were mine...one was my boyfiend's. It was also the start of the curse of 1987. After my 1985 Buick bit the dust all the cars I owned and wrecked were 1987 models. Until my Baby that I drive now. 1987 Mazda 323, 1987 Mercuery Tracer(Rick's car), 1987 Ford Taurus...that's list of ones I wrecked. Then I had a , you guessed it, 1987 Chevy Sprint and a 1987 Nissan 200SX. I broke the curse last year when I bought my 1994 Ford Escort GT. My baby, in all her teal glory. Sigh. She still has a few bugs but is so fun to drive it's worth the work it needs. Like I said, I love to drive. Thus my career as a courier. But even so I still like to just drive around aimlessly (gas prices unfortunaltely do not facilitate that very often) enjoying the freedom that is locomotion.

I feel better than I have in months. Just knowing that if I wanted to go somewhere I can. Freedom. Independence. Ahhhh.

Starbucks is calling, and me and my Ford are ready to answer.

Horoscopy

Okay, so my last post says April 9 but I had saved it as a draft and finished it today. Funny thing...in it I wrote about not knowing how to put things in motion to help myself feel better, right. Soooo, I used the msn.com page and checked my horoscope for the very first time from this computer on that site...this is what it said

"April 21, 2007
Intellectually, you know the answers to everything, Brandy, but when it comes to actually putting things into motion, you may be hesitant to take that first step. It may seem as if you are on a high platform staring down into a pool of water below. Rationally, you know that the pool is deep enough and that you will be fine once you jump, but before you do, the anticipation is excruciating."

Weird, huh? But wait....there's more...

So I also put in the relevant information for my rising sign (cancer) and this is what it said


"April 21, 2007
It is time to make a new start in which you shed old masks and roles that are no longer serving their purpose. It could be that these devices were used as defense mechanisms from early on. It is now time to rid yourself of these habits and reveal the true person who lies underneath that mask. Today's Moon is urging you to project a clearer image of who you really are."

Considering how much of an identity crisis i've been having lately this hits so close to home. I've never had an experience like this with horoscopes before. I think I need to learn more about astrology.

Wow.

Just write.

A prolific blogger friend of mine once gave me some advice when I told her I was having trouble posting. "Just write." she said.

Right.

Write.

Riiiiight.

Depression is a truly vicious circle. Dizzying, terrifying, frustrating. One of those revolving doors you see in hotels in the movies...but without the openings on either side. Just thick glass spinning walls colored with fear, anxiety, loneliness, desperation, loathing, and a general feeling of un...unhappy, unwell, uncomfortable.... un.


Who controls the weather? Overcast is my sky. Looming gray heaviness, unmoving, inert (as I am). But no rain, cuz rain makes me happy. Not even any of that spitty crap rain that isn't quite enough to let your wipers clean your windshield, ya know? So i'm stuck looking through smudges not quite being able to steer in the right direction, so I stop. And I stay stuck at the side of the road watching everyone else live their lives moving forward. Fuck, I can't even catch a bloody bus without falling to pieces.

r
b d
a y
n

Little Brandy colored bits all over the place.

I find it strange how I can feel like shattered little pieces yet at the same time feel whole but empty, kinda hollow, like my personality, wit, confidence, everything that made me me dried up or something.

I have all these stupid analogies and shit about how I feel, but I can't seem to figure out quite how to change it all. I need to put forth more effort, I know that much. It's not that i'm expecting some outside force to make me better, I know that it's in my power. I need to believe that that power is already within me. I do feel it. Accessing it is the hardest part, I think. That and I have all these plans in my head about how to go about helping myself feel well, but I never seem to put any of them in motion. Perhaps putting them out there, solid concrete pixels on a blog page will be the impetus I need.

1. meditation
2. excercise
3. create something, anything...poetry, painting, drawing, music...I believe it can all be healing.

I also want to blog about something other than depression, and I think that will be possible when I make the above listed things happen so I can experience more than my daily battle inside my head. Hard to blog when you don't live. I want to live.

Ch-ch-ch-changes.

Old me.

New me!!!

Same day. Different Brandy. Wow, huh? Quickest way to lose a few pounds. Really, it was heavy. I kept the ponytail the stylist cut it off for me. Now I have 2, one from a past drastic cut as well. I feel much better now. If only I could get myself to be social so I could show it off....

The Climb

The Diva emailed me asking if I had fallen off the face of the planet. I believe I did. Holy shit, that was a hard climb. Each day I strive to move further and further away from the edge. There's a gravity there. Pulling me over and down. But I fight. I do believe i'm winning.

So cheers, here's to the new year and a new healthy life. Rockin' 2007.

Love on ya,

Brandy

Blue Saturday

I'm Blue.

My first meme.

Do you feel special Laura??? You should. You're my first. My first meme tag experience that is. WOW. How behind the rest of the world am i?

Meme rules:
1. Grab the book closest to you.
2. Open it to page 123, go down to the fifth sentence.
3. Post the next three sentences on your website.
4. Name the book and its author.
5. Tag three people to do the same.

Here it is:

"These devils, who were once beautiful angels, have become as hideous and ugly as they once were beautiful. They mock and jeer at the lost souls whom they dragged down to ruin. It is they, the foul demons, who are made in hell the voices of conscience."

That was from "A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man" by James Joyce

Cheerful little exerpt don'tcha think? I haven't gotten that far yet, but oh what i have to look forward too...

Sooo..... Rick, Josh and Richy.... Tag...you're it.